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The Journey Continues

Spring_2012_064Where to start?

Well let’s see. It’s been quite some time since I’ve sat down to really blog. And, I guess there are a few reasons for that.

Firstly, I’ve been busy. It was a lot easier to sit down and write when I was laid off work and had a lot of free time on my hands.

Secondly, I’ve struggled with where to go with this. At the beginning I had a lot of readers encouraging me in my journey in faith – towards God. And well truth be told, I’ve probably moved further away from God than towards him. As a result of that, I’ve kind of felt like maybe I’ve failed those that have been reading along. But, this is my journey and my walk, you may not agree with it, you may not understand it, but it’s my walk and my journey.

Truth be told, in the last year-and-a-bit I’ve come to question Christianity as a whole and as a result question the deity that is “God”. I’m not atheist and would probably consider myself more along the lines of an agnostic. But even that doesn’t seem to cover it. I believe that there is some sort of higher power, a god, who and what that is I don’t know. Truthfully, no one does. Every faith and belief on this planet has a god or higher power, some have many. How do you know which one is right? You don’t. You live your life according to the tenets of that faith and die in the belief that on the other side you will receive the appropriate reward for your faith.

What if they are all right? Or, what if you’re wrong? Then what?

You see the truth is, I think faith and religion (this is to describe faiths as a whole and not the “relationship” that people have with their god) works for some. It’s a set of rules and guidelines in which to live our lives. If you follow this set of rules and accept these things than you’re living a good and right life and will reap your reward in the afterlife. It’s a tool that people use to get through trials and turmoil. Some people use it as a means to become “whole”.

Well, I am seriously questioning it all. You see, I’ve experienced “supernatural” things that I can’t explain, so in my upbringing as a Christian these would be considered divine, maybe even miracles. But, when I’ve prayed and petitioned God for His intervention, healing and deliverance in other areas I got nothing. And, I’ve heard all kinds of answers as to why God “can’t” do it or that it’s a process and it takes time. “Well, God can’t change you or fix that all at once, you wouldn’t be able to cope.” Really? I call bullshit! If God created the universe in 7 days, then I’m sure he can fix our little problems. And, if we are talking about the God of the Bible then how you do explain the lepers that his son healed, or the paraplegic man, or the blind people, and let’s not forget about the dead that were raised. I’m sure that must have screwed up their lives, or afterlife, a bit. So, why is it “ok” to fix their lives but that doesn’t work in today’s day?

Another one that I don’t get it, how we determine what is sin and what isn’t sin. There are sins that are spoken of in the Bible that are commonly practiced among Christians today and yet other sins are still huge taboos and faux pas. And, depending on your religion within the Christian faith the sins are different. So, where do you draw the line? Is everything in the Old Testament no longer valid and the New Testament is the new rule book? Or is it a combination of both? Seriously I don’t even know where to start.

I know that “religion” is a creation of man. Well isn’t the Bible a book written by men? So, how do we know that they got it right? One guy has a “vision” and all of sudden BAM pork and shrimp is ok to eat. Hold on, wasn’t that a sin in the Old Testament? So, what’s right? Do these rules change? And who decides that they change? How come that guy was right and ok to change the “law”? Can sins change today?

So, if you’ve made it this far you’ll see that my journey has taken a different path then where it seemed to be heading. In summation, I think I believe that there is more than likely a higher power, a god. I’m just not sure that I buy into Christianity and the Bible anymore. I guess my faith just isn’t there.

  1. September 6, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Hey Erick,
    It’s been a looong time! I really appreciate your honesty here. It must have been both difficult and liberating to finally hit the publish button on this. I do not wish to “fix” you, or convince you to turn back from where you came. Instead, I believe that we must wrestle with our faith and we can only do that moving forward. We are even instructed to work it out. This process can be very unsettling. So much so that we would rather step off the path.

    I’m glad to see you asking the questions you asked above. These are important. However, there may not be satisfactory answers, at least not right away. When things get complicated and fuzzy, it helps me to boil something down to its most concrete idea. When I look at the Bible in it’s purest and most condensed message, I think of this:

    “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19 NLT)

    This is the beauty and essence of the Gospel. If in the deepest part of your soul, you are drawn to the simple message of this statement, and it offers you any sense of peace, then be content to stop and wait in it for as long as it takes to find rest. Think of it like a reset. Our invitation: to find rest. I pray that you will.

    Everything else in the Bible can wait, and everything in the Bible needs to be filtered through this passage. But that is a wrestling match for another day.

    I just found this post by another blogger you might find interesting. “The Day I Stopped Believing in God”,

    If there is a God, He is not intimidated with your questions or frustration. And He will never stop pursuing you.


    • September 6, 2013 at 10:35 pm

      Hey Scott – Thanks for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it. It’s not been an easy journey and path that I have been on and it’s not understood by many Christians. I think it scares people when those they know, love and care for question and challenge the faith that they hold so dear.

      It’s taken me quite some time to finally get this out. I’ve been living with this “secret” for so long and keeping it to myself that in some ways it’s been liberating to get it out there. Although I fear that many people are choosing to ignore this or are in denial about where I’m at. I’ve only spoken with one person face-to-face on this and they refused to believe what I was saying.

      Anyway, I took a read through the post that you linked to, a very good read. Although my struggles with my faith aren’t along the same lines as his were, he had a very interesting approach to find resolution to his journey. I’m not sure that I’m in a place where I can just turn to God and except Him at face value and just be content with that.

      I’ve read and re-read your comments and the scripture you posted, and I don’t recall in all my years in the church ever hearing that scripture, although I’m sure I have. It’s powerful and meaningful, and something that I will have to “chew on” for a bit.

      Thanks again for the comment, it means a lot and I appreciate you taking the time to put together a well thought out non-judgemental response.


      • September 6, 2013 at 11:33 pm

        Anytime Erick. Whenever you would like to vent or bounce a thought off someone, I’m happy to listen.

  2. Shelly McWilliams
    September 13, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Scripture says, “Work out your salvation with fear and trembling,” little brother. That is true on two counts: 1) our salvation does not just consist of a change in our “eternal address” but it also consists of our healing and restoration from all the “damage” that the enemy and people have causes to our soul, back to what the Lord has destined for us. The healing and restoration part of our salvation must be workout/contended as we journey in our personal faith and relationship with God. I believe the fear and trembling part is because during this process there is great temptation to get side tracked and derailed from Truth, as we are confronted with our own hurts, questions, confusion, and even doubts. It is a dangerous journey at times if we get focused on ourselves and trying to “figure out” answer; as opposed to walking in “faith.” After all, that what faith is…being sure of what we hope for/believe for and certain of what we do not see [yet].

    As human we have a tendency to relate to God in one or a couple “facets” of His character and seem to figure ALL of Him. It is easy for us to focus on God’s Sovereignty as say He can fix anything and do anything. That is only a “half” truth. Yes, God is sovereign and all powerful. However, God also created “order” in all of creation and established “law” for creation to function by. God also gave each one of us “free will” which He said He would not override. So God chose to “subject” Himself to our free will. He told us He would. In His love for us, He gave us a way out of every situation, provided for every healing, has the ability to break every bondage from our lives. But we have to follow and function within the “order” He establish, which He loving spells out for us in His Word. He loves us and ALWAYS wants our best, that NEVER changes…even when He doesn’t act or do thing when or like we think He should…and even when we waiver from even believing in Him.

    You’re right, little brother, this is your journey and now can make you believe in your Creator and Heavenly Father, or the One who died for you. I love you and my heart’s prayer is that you walk this journey of faith with fear and trembling realizing the “gravity” of the outcome of your decisions. My prayer is that the Truth of Him and His love for YOU would be what “guides” you on this journey and the “free will” He has given you would lead you into ALL TRUTH! All my love, support, prayers, and faith in WHO I know is deep down inside you under all the hurt, frustration, and disappointment. ❤

  3. Phil
    September 13, 2013 at 10:37 am

    No answers. Doubt is good. Keep writing.

  1. September 16, 2013 at 11:29 pm

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