Archive for the ‘Getting to Know Me’ Category

Come Along With Me

September 16, 2013 Leave a comment
We are all on a journey, sometimes our experience and what see differs.

We are all on a journey, sometimes our experience and what see differs.

It’s interesting the reactions you can get from people when you speak your mind.

My post “The Journey Continues” was my first post in quite some time and I think it took some of guard, I’m afraid I may have even offended some. Which for those who know me personally, they would know I’m not one to be afraid of shocking or offending people. But for those reading this, that read my last post, please know that I’m not trying to shock people or make people angry. It’s really not the purpose of this. This is my way of venting, and “airing the laundry” so to speak. It’s a way of getting stuff of my chest. Although I wear my feelings and emotions on my sleeve and am pretty much an open book, there are some things that I just can articulate in person or out loud.

One of my readers asked me if he could post/share my post on a blog site called Internet Monk; something that I had to give some serious thought to. Until now, I’ve kept this blog somewhat private and only open to a select group of Facebook friends who I thought could share their thoughts and with whom I felt comfortable sharing my thoughts. I agreed to it and my post went up Friday morning. It’s been interesting see the comments from random strangers as they read my blog and encouraged, shared advice, thanked me for my “courage” and even prayed for me. I plan on going back through everything that was said and taking time to really “meditate” on some of the things that were said.

I know that there is no one on this earth that has the answers to all my questions and that I have to work this out. But if you’re reading this blog and/or I’ve shared this with you, you’re a part of my journey. Your experiences on your journey may be vastly different than mine, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t help one another along the way. You have no idea how much I appreciate your words of encouragement and even your “tough” words. I give it thought and I really do try to take it heart.



September 5, 2013 1 comment

Frus-tra-tion: noun

  • The act of frustrating or an instance of being frustrated
  • The state of being frustrated

Frus-trate: verb

  • to make (plans, efforts, etc.) worthless or of no avail; defeat; nullify
  • to disappoint or thwart

My post The Journey Continues was my first post in sometime and I think for some it came across as a bit of shock for some. And, I think it may have been misunderstood and I probably should have posted my post Burning With Desire as a buffer post.

If I had to describe what I’m living and feeling lately it’s frustration.

I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated that things aren’t going as I would like them. I’m frustrated that I can’t see what the future holds for me.

I’m frustrated that I can’t get answers to my questions, the questions that really only God can answer. I’m frustrated that I’m living this life and that I’m not living it the fullest of my potential. I’m frustrated that I don’t know how to make things happen.

I’m frustrated because my Christian upbringing tells me that I need to draw nearer to God and that’s just not possible. I’m frustrated because as honest as I am, I’m not honest at all. I’m frustrated because I want to accept God at face value, but I can’t.

I’m frustrated because I have a dream that I don’t know how to fulfill. I’m frustrated because I want live life freely, but I care too much about what others will think.

I’m not going for a pity party here. I’m just venting. That’s what writing is for me. It’s a way for me to vent and get it all out there on the table without interruption. Without someone cutting me off and trying to solve or fix me.

Writing it therapeutic for me to a degree. Although, I have to say that I’m not any less frustrated right now, but at least it’s out there.

Church… Not Right Now Thanks

January 3, 2011 7 comments

Having grown up in the church I’m still often surrounded by Christians. Some have known me for years and have seen me “minister” in the church and others who have only known the person that is writing this blog. For the most part it doesn’t seem to matter who they are, if they are Christians they don’t seem to understand why I’m not going to church or involved in the church.  Some want to know my reasons and what has caused me to “write-off” God and the church. I want to stress that I haven’t written God off or the church for that fact. I still think that I believe in God, just not sure I completely get the “Christian God”. (Note, that I put that in quotes because I don’t want to offend people, so please just move on and keep reading this post and posts to come, and maybe you’ll understand me better.)

I guess there are a number of reasons that I’m not in “church” right now. One of the main reasons is that over the years the church and its members have been the cause of great hurt and pain in my life, Pastors and layman alike. Yes, I know that they are just human being and that they aren’t perfect, but it just gets repetitive. I think that at this stage there is significant scar tissue around my “soul” and I’m just not ready to get back in and have it cut open again. Now, normally at this point is where the good Christian will tell me that I need to let go forgive and get back in there so God can heal the hurt and take away the scar tissue and I can be made whole. My response to that, “been there, done that, got my t-shirt signed and oh yeah, it happened again.” How’s that saying go “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” I’ll admit it, I’m a wounded person, but aren’t we all in some way or another? I guess I’m just sick and tired of being wounded, getting better and being wounded again.

They say hurt people hurt others out of their own hurt. Well, I hope that I haven’t hurt anyone in the church in my day although I’m sure I have. I do know that at this point in my journey that whenever I do step foot into a church I become someone who I don’t necessarily like. I become judgemental (how’s that for honesty). I judge people and I look at them and scrutinize the way they worship and pray. I wonder to myself how much of what they are doing is real and how much of it is for show. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to judge people and be so pessimistic, but it’s where I’m at right now. I know that according to scripture I’m not supposed to judge others and so for me in some way I feel it is better to abstain then to get involved.

Not sure if it’s conviction, guilt, my own perfectionism but when I’m in church I just feel like crap. There’s no other way to put it. (trust me I struggled to finish that sentence for a few minutes) I sit in that pew or stand during worship and just don’t want to be there. I know that I’ll never be perfect, but right now the last thing I want to do is to go to church to feel that way, I can feel that way all by myself without entering a church.

Someone asked me after my last post “How has this affected my relationship with God? Positively and negatively”. Well obviously not being active in the church can make you feel more distant from God at times and even question whether He is still there and whether or not He still uses you. And although I’m questioning a lot about God and Christianity I believe that God still does use me.

Do I know if I died tonight where I’d spent eternity because of where I’m at in this journey? The answer. No, I don’t, but then again do you? No you don’t, it’s all based on faith and a belief in the Bible, none of us really knows until we die. I think what has been most impacted in my journey is my relationship with other Christians simply because many of them don’t understand me or where I’m a coming from. They want to save me and get me back on track and serving the Lord with all my heart and most of all “get over it.” I tend to stay away from those people, because for the most part there’s nothing they can say that I haven’t already heard and I need to work this out to get to the other side. I know that God knows who I am, where I am at and understands what I’m going through on this journey. He knows what is on the other side and He knows what the future holds and He will judge me in the end. 

As I mentioned in my last post this blog is probably more for me than it will be for others, but knowing that people have/are reading helps me dialogue more. If you are a Christian reading this and your first instinct is to pray for me, I understand that need; please feel free to do so. Believe it or not I appreciate the gesture. Please comment and ask questions, my goal is to be as transparent and as real as possible here and your questions my answering them helps me think things through.

Where To Begin

December 28, 2010 4 comments

Well where do I start? I guess I should start off by saying that the purpose of this blog is more for me to put down into words my thoughts and feelings about the church, Christianity and all that surrounds it. I really don’t have a plan for this blog or have any idea where I want it to go. I’m one of those people who often finds it good to talk things out and to verbalize my thoughts and opinions in order to get to a solution or deeper understanding of what is going on.

So by writing this I’m talking things out with myself. If by chance someone is reading this and feels that they want to comment please do so. Although I want to stress that I’m not doing this to be preached at, get into theological debates or hear any of the customary “churchy” stuff. 

I grew up in the church from a very early age and have been to a number of churches, evangelical, traditional churches and “seeker friendly” churches. I’ve been on mission trips to a number of countries. I’ve seen healings and miracles and “signs and wonders”. I’ve been to some of the “big revivals” that North America has seen. So needless to say I have had a very broad “Christian” experience and my ramblings that are going to happen here are from my experiences in the church.

I’m currently not involved in the church for a variety of reasons. And I have had a number of “Christians” try to convince why I need to get re-involved in the church without a real understanding of who I am and why I’m not in the church at this point in time. If you are one of those people I understand where you are coming from, but you also need to understand where I’m coming from as well. Yes, I know that Christians are just people too and that they aren’t perfect. I don’t expect them to be. Heck, I’m not perfect far from it. But to be honest, I’m tired of hearing the same old stuff over-and-over again, quoting scripture and sermons I grew up with. I’ve heard it and to be honest I’ve probably preached it myself a time or two as well. (Yes believe it or not I’ve had the “pleasure” of standing in front of a congregation or two in my day.)

I’m not looking for others to give me the answers here. I’m not “crying out” for help. I’m simply putting my thoughts into words. Yes, I’m going to post my blogs on Facebook and they are open for the world to see, but this is as much for me as it is for anyone else. Maybe someone else will read this and it will help them. I don’t know, but for a while now I’ve had these thoughts going through my head and felt the need to “discuss” them, and in this venue, I can voice my opinion freely.

So, if you’ve made it this far, I hope that you stick around for more posts to come. And, hey, let me know you’ve read this post and leave me a note.