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Posts Tagged ‘Healing’

Stepping Out Of Fear

March 10, 2011 3 comments

Where to begin?Journey On

To be honest I’m not sure where I’m going to go with this post. I’ve been doing some thinking since my last post and I’ve had some conversations with a number of readers about what my next steps are going to be. I made some statements there that I really can’t ignore and that I need to make some changes in my own life.

The truth is I think I’m afraid to make the changes in my life that I need to make. In the past I’ve made changes both privately and publicly and had the full intention of keeping up with it, only to end up failing and falling flat. I know that it’s human to fail and that we all will fail, but I’m a perfectionist when it comes to certain aspects of my life. And I hate to fail, not because I’m afraid that others will judge me, but because I’ve let myself down. We are our own worst critic’s right?

This is where it always gets interesting for me, because when I start to think this way 2nd Timothy 1:7 comes to mind. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” So, I know that I need to face my fear and move through this and that God has given me the tools to get where I need to be, but knowing and acting upon it are very different things. I know it seems like such a simple thing and that I should just get over it and move on, but it’s easier said than done for me.

As I write this I wonder if some of my failures in the past were because I didn’t have anyone to be accountable to, another Christian to talk about what I was going through, someone to pray with and share with. I realize that my lack of trust in others and my segregating myself from others was part of the downward spiral in my walk with the Lord. So, what do I do about this? Hahaha, I really don’t know, because once again that involves facing my fears.

I know that is sounds ridiculous but this is a very real fear for me. As much as I want to be “free” from this I don’t know where to begin, or how to move through this. Is it inner-healing? Is it deliverance? I really don’t know.

Here’s what I do know. At least I’m talking about it and that’s something new for me. So maybe this all part of the process to come out this cyclical stuff I’ve been going through and starting the healing process.

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Church… Not Right Now Thanks

January 3, 2011 7 comments

Having grown up in the church I’m still often surrounded by Christians. Some have known me for years and have seen me “minister” in the church and others who have only known the person that is writing this blog. For the most part it doesn’t seem to matter who they are, if they are Christians they don’t seem to understand why I’m not going to church or involved in the church.  Some want to know my reasons and what has caused me to “write-off” God and the church. I want to stress that I haven’t written God off or the church for that fact. I still think that I believe in God, just not sure I completely get the “Christian God”. (Note, that I put that in quotes because I don’t want to offend people, so please just move on and keep reading this post and posts to come, and maybe you’ll understand me better.)

I guess there are a number of reasons that I’m not in “church” right now. One of the main reasons is that over the years the church and its members have been the cause of great hurt and pain in my life, Pastors and layman alike. Yes, I know that they are just human being and that they aren’t perfect, but it just gets repetitive. I think that at this stage there is significant scar tissue around my “soul” and I’m just not ready to get back in and have it cut open again. Now, normally at this point is where the good Christian will tell me that I need to let go forgive and get back in there so God can heal the hurt and take away the scar tissue and I can be made whole. My response to that, “been there, done that, got my t-shirt signed and oh yeah, it happened again.” How’s that saying go “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” I’ll admit it, I’m a wounded person, but aren’t we all in some way or another? I guess I’m just sick and tired of being wounded, getting better and being wounded again.

They say hurt people hurt others out of their own hurt. Well, I hope that I haven’t hurt anyone in the church in my day although I’m sure I have. I do know that at this point in my journey that whenever I do step foot into a church I become someone who I don’t necessarily like. I become judgemental (how’s that for honesty). I judge people and I look at them and scrutinize the way they worship and pray. I wonder to myself how much of what they are doing is real and how much of it is for show. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to judge people and be so pessimistic, but it’s where I’m at right now. I know that according to scripture I’m not supposed to judge others and so for me in some way I feel it is better to abstain then to get involved.

Not sure if it’s conviction, guilt, my own perfectionism but when I’m in church I just feel like crap. There’s no other way to put it. (trust me I struggled to finish that sentence for a few minutes) I sit in that pew or stand during worship and just don’t want to be there. I know that I’ll never be perfect, but right now the last thing I want to do is to go to church to feel that way, I can feel that way all by myself without entering a church.

Someone asked me after my last post “How has this affected my relationship with God? Positively and negatively”. Well obviously not being active in the church can make you feel more distant from God at times and even question whether He is still there and whether or not He still uses you. And although I’m questioning a lot about God and Christianity I believe that God still does use me.

Do I know if I died tonight where I’d spent eternity because of where I’m at in this journey? The answer. No, I don’t, but then again do you? No you don’t, it’s all based on faith and a belief in the Bible, none of us really knows until we die. I think what has been most impacted in my journey is my relationship with other Christians simply because many of them don’t understand me or where I’m a coming from. They want to save me and get me back on track and serving the Lord with all my heart and most of all “get over it.” I tend to stay away from those people, because for the most part there’s nothing they can say that I haven’t already heard and I need to work this out to get to the other side. I know that God knows who I am, where I am at and understands what I’m going through on this journey. He knows what is on the other side and He knows what the future holds and He will judge me in the end. 

As I mentioned in my last post this blog is probably more for me than it will be for others, but knowing that people have/are reading helps me dialogue more. If you are a Christian reading this and your first instinct is to pray for me, I understand that need; please feel free to do so. Believe it or not I appreciate the gesture. Please comment and ask questions, my goal is to be as transparent and as real as possible here and your questions my answering them helps me think things through.